The Outback Mate!

Beauty!

After lots of convincing, exasperated looks, good old fashioned family arguments masquerading as "debates", and "Do we have to's?" we edited the itinerary a bit to ensure time for a visit to the Australian Outback. As the main instigator for our visit to the desert, I just kept to my refrain: "Trust me, you can't visit Australia and NOT see the Outback. It'll be totally worth it." I based my claims on some well placed sources who studied in Australia and claimed camping under the stars with the Dingo Eyes surrounding you in the darkness was the greatest piece of the whole experience in Australia. I just hoped they weren't wrong.

For my part, given my proclivity for nature and natural wonders (obvious if you've read other posts on this blog), I felt that going to the Outback was necessary. I weighed my natural ginger aversion to sunlight with my budding Crocodile Dundee sense of adventure and decided I'd regret it more not going than fighting the impending sunburn and struggle to find shade during the day. I feel like visiting Australia without seeing the Outback is a bit like going to Oktoberfest and asking for a glass of wine, or     going to Oktoberfest and trying to order a small glass of beer. Clearly, I have never been to Oktoberfest, but in my mind these activities run counter to the spirit of the beer festival. Just as visiting Australia and not doing a little stint in The Outback is criminal. As a good American tourist, the Outback is the essence of Australia-home to the greatest variety of poisonous animals, Bush People, and the place where the spirit of Steve Irwin lives on. 

I have now just realized that the two previous paragraphs are too excessive and don't have much to do with the actual point of this blog post, but as I have already written them, you the reader are stuck with them. And if you've got this far into the post, you must not have much to do at the moment either and might as well finish what you started, right? Ahem. Back on point: The Outback. Lets do it. From the air, the Outback looks just like a big, red, sandbox. Barren nothingness interspersed with the occasional tiny tree. Sadly, and surprisingly, there are no cacti to be found. We landed at the second tiniest airport I've ever been to, (eclipsed only by Pyongyang's International Capital Airport) and rented a car. As we commenced driving through the Outback, I had a fair chunk of time to appreciate exactly where I was at that moment. I think the scenery can only be described as both boring and encapsulating. Encapsulating because it's the Outback, and boring because it looks the same everywhere. But it's like a bad car crash. The more we drove, the more I wanted to look away but I just couldn't. The scenery draws you in like the latest Avril Lavigne Single. 

We, and most other tourists visited the Outback to see two major sites: Uluru and Kings Canyon. Uluru is a giant fuck-off rock in the middle of the otherwise flat landscape. Literally, the rock just seems like it was placed there by a crane, or dropped out of the sky. It stands 348 meters tall and and some 5 miles in circumference, and glows a burnished red color. For more information on the geological magic that led to Uluru, please see the trusty Wikipedia site. I was particularly excited to see Uluru because i used to harbor a pipe dream to have someone skydive in and scatter my ashes over this rock thus ensuring my successful afterlife, but after I learned this rock is a sacred Aboriginal Site, I've shelved the idea. I'll just have to find another massive rock more deserving of my remnants. Kings Canyon is an impressive....  you guessed it: canyon. Visitors can hike up the canyon and then complete the 4 mile hike around the rim, which offers breathtaking views of the canyon interior and surrounding landscape. Halfway through the walk we detoured to the Garden of Eden, a permanent waterhole inside the canyon surrounded by lush plant life. I searched long and hard for, but could not find an apple nor a snake to remake my own modern version of the story in Genesis. I imagine it would have been a remake along the lines of the Romeo and Juliet movie starring Leo as Romeo and Mercutio as a gun wielding enforcer with dreads. Except without the dreads.

Roughin' It

Approved Outback attire. Approved by me.

The Outback was amazing and totally worth a visit. It's really unlike anywhere else in the world i've been. In summary...

• There is a surprising diversity of brush for somewhere so barren. 
• Dingo's do not roam the desert as freely or obviously as I hoped. I was seriously let down by not seeing one dingo, even when I offered up my sister as bait. 
• Kangaroos can be easily spotted as roadkill, but seeing a live Roo is a damn sight harder.
• Traffic in the Outback means seeing more than 5 cars on the road over 100 kilometers.
• It's hot. And dry. And sunny. A ginger's paradise.
• There are three resorts available to guests across the Outback, thus confirming its tourist status. 
• Your clothes will get coated with a film of red dust. 
• Do not wear white shoes if you plan on keeping them white.
• Drinking five liters of water a day becomes the norm. You quickly become best friends with the nearest bathroom or bush. 
• People other than The Aboriginals actually live there. I guess that's how they keep the tourist industry going.
• Just when you think you've reached the other side of the world, you meet someone who works in the Outback from Cleveland. 
• There are 600,000 wild Camels living in the Outback. They are boss. 
• If you are into the stars, there is no better place in the world to go stargazing. If you want to impress a ladyfriend, take her stargazing in the Outback. If you want to get rid of this ladyfriend, take her stargazing in The Outback and ask her to find the Northern Star in the sky.
• It's unique, and just like a Snickers the Outback will leave you smiling and satisfied.

The Modern Garden of Eden